Things I Must Not Do At Hogwarts
by Krystal Lunescent
Summary: I solomnly swear I am up to no good. This is a list of all of the things I am no longer allowed to do at Hogwarts. Enjoy and try not to get any ideas...Mischief managed. ;
1. Chapter 1

Things I Must Not Do at Hogwarts

1. I must not tell Dumbledore that I am a spy for Rumbleroar.

2. I must not throw shampoo and conditioner at Professor Snape.

3. Transferring to Pigfarts is NOT an option.

4. I must not run through the hallways screaming "The muggles are coming, the muggles are coming!" during class.

5. …or before class.

6. …or after.

7. I must not put baby blast-ended skrewts in Slytherin's Quidditch robes.

8. I must not make fun of Filch for being a squib.

9. I must not strangle Mrs. Norris.

10. I must not ask Professor Lupin when his 'time of the month' is.

11. I must not call Professor McGonagall "kitty".

12. I must not draw dark marks on my roommates arms while they are sleeping.

13. I must not tell Harry Potter that You-Know-Who is back.

14. I must not yell "Basilisk! Behind you!"

15. …especially near muggle-born wizards.

16. …that includes Hermoine.

17. I must not dress up as a dementor and attempt to kiss Harry Potter.

18. …even if I fancy him.

19. I must not try to eat Luna Lovegood's radish earrings.

20. …especially while she is still wearing them.

21. I must not stupefy anyone and claim they have been petrified.

22. I must not sing "We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz" while on my way down to the Headmaster's office.

23. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me lucky charms".

24. I must not draw mustaches, devil horns, or any other image on the painting subjects. It is not amusing.

25. Professor Umbridge is not the Wicked Witch of the West.

26. … so Professor Umbridge will not melt if a bucket of water is poured over her head.

27. …I must not test this.

28. …and she does not have an army of flying monkeys, so I must stop asking to see them.

29. I must not bring fortune cookies into Divination as an assignment and expect to get full credit.

30. …even if the fortune is proved correct.

31. I must not eat anything given to me by the Weasley twins.

32. I must not ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.

33. I must not gesture toward Harry Potter's scar and ask if his "Voldy senses are tingling".

34. I must not refer the Accio charm as "The Force".

35. …or any other spell.

36. Hissing is not the same as Parceltongue.

37. I must not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

38. Telling first-years that they need to have the "witch-burning test" done to them upon entering Hogwarts is not funny.

39. I must not ride a Thestral in a muggle horse race for an unfair advantage.

40. …or a Hippogriff.

41. I must not refer to Aragog as "Charlotte".

42. Having not done said name-calling to Aragog, I also must not ask him to save my pig's life.

43. I must not sing the Batman theme song when the Dark Mark is present.

44. I must not claim that Gryffindor students could beat up the Slytherin students if locked in a room together.

45. …I must not test this.

46. I must not start bets to see how long each DADA teacher will last, as this is not a proper way to make money.

47. I must not start bets to see how long Harry Potter will live, as this is not a proper way to make money.

48. I must not convince first-years that if you take Astronomy you will be abducted by aliens.

49. I must not try to breed Mrs. Norris and a Dragon together. The result would not be totally awesome.

50. Putting slugs in Ronald Weasley's food is not funny.

51. If the name or description of a spell makes me giggle for longer than ten seconds, I must assume that I am not permitted to try it.

52. I must not get the Sorting Hat drunk as it only makes his song funny the first time.

53. I must not threaten to call Ghostbusters on the residential ghosts of Hogwarts.

54. I must not call Dumbledore "Santa Clause".

55. I must not dunk my owl's feet in ink and have it walk over parchment before selling it to students as a "cheat sheet" for Ancient Runes.

56. …even though Crabbe and Goyle fall for it every time.

57. I must not bungee-jump from the Astronomy tower.

58. I must not make actual tea in Professor Trelawney's class, nor must I drink it.

59. I must not talk in an Australian accent in Care of Magical Creatures.

60. …even if my accent is the best around.

61. Offering to buy Professor Trelawney a pair of glasses for her Inner Eye is not funny.

62. I must not sell Hippogriff rides to first-years.

63. I must not tell the teachers not to give homework since we don't actually go home during the school year.

64. I must not tell Ronald Weasley that Ginny is snogging Harry Potter or anyone else in Gryffindor.

65. …and Slytherin.

66. …and Hufflepuff.

67. …and Ravenclaw.

68. I must not use a silencing charm on teachers.

69. …or prefects.

70. Mary Poppins is not a potion-brewer and therefore I should not follow her advice and add a "spoonful of sugar" to any potion in Professor Snape's classroom.

71. Tossing first-years' clothes into and around the Whomping Willow is frowned upon and not permitted.

72. I must not use Professor Umbridge's pen to write "Hardcore".

73. Professor Lupin does not need nor want a flea collar, and I should not offer him one.

74. …even for free.

75. I must not put muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.

76. I must not convince first-years that there is a fifth house in Hogwarts.

77. …nor that I am the leader of it.

78. …nor that I am the founder of it.

79. I must not introduce Peeves to the game of paintball.

80. …nor can I hold a paintball war with him against first-years.

81. I must not convince Hagrid that Pokemon are real and should be introduced to the class.

82. I must not charm any of the armor in Hogwarts school to come to life and challenge Sir Cadogan to a duel.

83. I must not ask Malfoy how often he has blonde moments.

84. I must not try to charm my gummy bears to life.

85. Professor Umbridge is not a toad, and I must not offer her a jar of flies.

86. …no matter how hungry she may look.

87. I must not call Slytherin girls "Voldy's Angels".

88. I am not authorized to force students to perform "flying under the influence" tests during Quidditch matches.

89. Just because there are only 3 Unforgiveable Curses doesn't make any other curse "pretty much forgivable".

90. I must not try to break into Gringotts.

91. I must not place spiders on Ronald Weasley's head.

92. …even if it is funny when he squeals like a little girl.

93. I must not convince Dobby that Harry Potter's deepest desire is to own a house-elf eating dragon.

94. I must not ask Hermoine if rats live in her hair.

95. …nor may I ask if it is used as a bee hive.

96. I must not call Ginny Weasley a "ginger".

97. …nor any other Weasley child.

98. I must stop asking Seamus Finnegan to do a jig for me.

99. I must stop asking Seamus Finnegan to show me his pot of gold.

100. I must not estimate how much sushi the Giant Squid from the lake would make.


	2. Chapter 2

More Things I Must Not Do At Hogwarts

101. …I should not test this.

102. I must not poke Hufflepuff students with spoons.

103. …or tease them about their colors.

104. …even if they do look like overgrown bees.

105. I must not refer to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".

106. I must not reenact Harry Potter Puppet Pals episodes in the Great Hall or anywhere else in Hogwarts school.

107. I must not shave Mrs. Norris.

108. I must not replace Malfoy's wand with a trick wand.

109. Trevor will not turn into a frog and therefore I may not kiss him.

110. I must not pick my nose with Malfoy's wand.

111. …or my ears.

112. …or any other part of my body, and anyone else's.

113. I must not ask Professor McGonagall if she has ever hacked up a hairball. It is offensive and completely un-amusing.

114. There is no such thing as "bring a muggle to school day".

115. The fact that Draco Malfoy is short, blonde, pale-eyed and rat-faced is no reason for me to tell the Slytherin students that Peter Pettigrew should be paying Narcissa child support.

116. I must not convince first-years that there is a regular karaoke night.

117. I must not write "DRINK ME" on any potions or vials in Professor Snape's classroom.

118. Professor Lupin is not a "nice doggy".

119. …neither is The Grim.

120. I must not ask Professor Sprout where the Green Giant lives.

121. I must not cite my greatest influences as Fred and George Weasley.

122. I must not call Professor McGonagall Catwoman, no matter how funny she would look in tight leather.

123. I must not write things on the walls in red paint.

124. …not even if I use real blood.

125. I am not permitted to have my own private army.

126. …or minions.

127. I must not in any way hide, tamper with, eat, touch, or go anywhere near Professor Dumbledore's supply of candy.

128. Mad-eye Moody knows his eye is creepy and does not need to be told…again.

129. I must not post signs saying "THE LIBRARY IS CLOSED FOR AN UNCERTAIN AMOUNT OF TIME" as it is not amusing to any of the Ravenclaw students.

130. …or Hermoine.

131. Mrs. Norris does not like playing with blast-ended skrewts.

132. I must not levitate in on a pink bubble singing to first-years and referring said first-years as munchkins.

133. No part of my school uniform is edible.

134. Nor am I allowed to make any part of the school uniform edible.

134. I must not try to create another Whomping Willow in herbology.

135. I must not sell tickets to get into the Chamber of Secrets.

136. Gravity is a set law of nature and I am not to tamper with it.

137. I must not call Professor Flitwick "Yoda".

138. Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled "Firewhiskey".

139. The proper way to address the Headmaster is not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."

140. When someone accuses me of not wearing drawers, I should ignore them. Proving them wrong is indecent.

141. …especially if I can't.

142. I must not feed first-years to Fluffy.

143. …even if he looks hungry.

144. I must not try to put a satellite dish on top of the astronomy tower, no matter how clear the picture would be.

145. I must not use the house-elves as my own personal minions.

146. …or as backup singers.

147. …or dancers.

178. I am not allowed to form a kazoo band with said house-elves.

179. Thestrals do not like being named after the muggle toys known as "My Little Pony".

180. I am not a vampire slayer.

181. In no way is doing homework offend my culture, and I should stop insisting so.

182. In no way is doing homework against my religion, either.

183. I must not aim bludgers at the spectators.

184. …or the referees.

185. I must not refer to myself as "the reincarnation of Merlin".

186. I must not "Accio" anyone's clothing while they are wearing it.

187. …including my own.

188. "All is fair in love and war" is not a legit rule at Hogwarts.

189. I must not try to convince everyone that Quidditch would be improved with the includement of muggle firearms.

190. I must not shave Snape's hair off.

191. …I must not make said shaved hair into a wig and wear it to Potion's class.

192. …No one cares if it makes me feel pretty.

193. Bathrobes do not count as wizard robes and therefore I must not wear them around Hogwarts.

194. It is not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes points away from Gryffindor.

195. I must not tell the first-years that they will melt while in the showers.

196. I must not leave the catnip out in Professor McGonagall's class.

197. Hogwarts is in the UK, therefore the United States' Constitution does not apply. So, saying "Avada Kadavra" is not protected under the first amendment stating that everyone has rights to freedom of speech.

198. I must not refer to Voldemort as "Baldymort". He does not appreciate it.

199. Voldemort does not want to be my "Mustache Buddy".

200. I must not ask Professor Snape (or Professor Umbridge) if a house fell on his (or her) sister.


	3. Chapter 3

201. I must not ask Pureblood students things like "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister" as it is inapporpriate.

202. Trying to convince first years to build a tree house in the Whomping Willow is not allowed.

203. I must not ask refer to Dobby as "Santa's Little Lost Helper".

204. –especially to his face.

205. I must not teach first years to sing "Draco the Bouncing Ferret Boy" in unison whenever they see him. It is wrong and not at all amusing.

206. I must not request Mad-Eye Moody to turn Draco back into a ferret so I can keep him as a pet.

207. Draco and Harry are not secret lovers.

208. Repeat: Draco and Harry are not secret lovers.

209. I must not use this as a checklist.

210. –that said I must not do all of the things on it.

211. –again.

212. I must not sell the Sorting Hat to circus people.

213. I must not ask Harry if I can have a lightening scar, too.

214. I must not charm Neville's toad, Trevor, into jumping around the school saying "Rawr! I am the Dark Lord reborn!"

215. I must not ask Harry to sing "I Will Survive" whenever I see him in the hallways.

216. –or anywhere else.

217. It is rude to say "He's obviously not good enough…" no matter who I am speaking to.

218. –this goes double for Harry Potter.

219. I must not shout "POOF!" every time I apparate.

220. I must not make lightsaber sounds with my wand.

221. I must not have my own theme music and sing it while walking around school.

222. –even if it makes me feel cool.

223. –even if I think I am a very good singer.

224. I must not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination.

225. –As such, Fortune cookies are not legitimate homework assignments that can be turned in for a grade.

226. I must not steal the Sword of Gryffindor and use it to patrol the hallways.

227. I must not scream battle cries in the middle of a hallway or classroom or anywhere on Hogwarts grounds.

228. –this does not mean that I can go off of Hogwarts grounds whenever I want.

229. I must not magically animate marshmallow Peeps or gummy bears, gummy worms, animal crackers, gingerbread men, or any other food item I can think of.

230. "To conquer the world with a band of flying monkeys" is not an adequate career choice.

231. I must not sing "Schoolhouse Rock" songs during any class.

232. I must not place Muggle books on fairy-tale creatures in the library.

233. I must not use first-years as Christmas ornaments.

234. Calling "Ghostbusters" is a cruel joke to play on the residential ghosts of Hogwarts and I must restrain from doing so.

235. –again.

236. I must not call Dumbledore "My Liege".

237. –this goes the same for any other professor.

238. I am not the "Defense Against the Boring Classes" professor and must stop convincing first-years to join my class.

239. I must not do my impersonation of the Swedish Chef in Potions class.

240. I must not sing the "Wizards of Waverly Place" theme song in the hallways of Hogwarts.

241. "I've heard every joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

242. Asking Harry how Hedwig is doing is mean.

243. I must not call people "Bloody Squibs" as it is offensive and totally inappropriate.

244. –"Blasted Squibs" is no better.

245. There is no "Bring a Death Eater to School Day" nor has there ever been and there never will be.

246. Mrs. Norris cannot fly and I must not "try to teach her".

247. I must not implant Mad Eye Moody's weird eye in a dead animal.

248. –nor can I wear it (implying both the eye and the dead animal…and both at once).

249. It is not over when the Fat Lady sings, even if I teach her opera.

250. I must not let Blast-Ended Screwts loose anywhere on school grounds.

251. I must not teach the House Elves wizardry.


End file.
